Leo, Leona, Bubblekittea, as a person, is gone. she died 2 weeks after her 27th birthday.

-

Why do I have to get destroyed as a person and then have to try to survive and fix it.

I can't fix it. 


I've healed from some shocking things in my life (with immense help) 

But this was too much for me, Me, as a person, is over.



My life depended on not getting cov1d in that 6 months while I was going through a different mildly traumatising medical emergency

Because I knew this, I turned down 100% of invites to unmasked indoor hangouts for so long unless friends tested.
but I was blind to the risk in my room.



If I caught it normally, it'd be more understandable. 
less traumatising, more healable

If I even caught it through airborne transmission from my family or a randomer, or in the hospital, I'd at least understand it. I'd understand it. 

I can't understand this.

Because me as a person, If I felt even slightly warm I'd take my fever, and if either my fever was above 37 or I had a headache or I had a sniffle I'd just take a COVID test. Alone. 

If I had sniffles or fever I would demand a test, I would not go near anyone, i would wear a mask, i would not kiss anyone ever, i wouldn't risk the life of a stranger.

I always tested before seeing anyone in 2022 even if I felt fine.

my life wasn't worth a £5 test. my life wasn't worth the 30 seconds of discomfort of the nasal swab.


why how I can't understand




There's no healing form this, there's no picking up the pieces, there's no recovering, there's no making it right, there's no fixing it, there's no future for me.

that's not being negative, that's accepting. I've seen what this has done to me. It's completely destroyed me beyond repair. 


Not everything is repairable otherwise we wouldn't have to worry about being careful in the first place. 


I am completely destroyed from this. I don't know how many more years I can be crying from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep


Leo, Leona, Bubblekittea, as a person, is completely gone and destroyed.

I don't know why I haven't deleted my socials yet. Maybe soon. I think soon.


Offline I am just crying every waking moment unless I'm playing a game with pals for a few hours once every other week. 



I had so many. many. many heart dreams and heart hopes. It's all gone.
I am grieving my life in real time.
It's like i've died but i'm in my body and I get to hear all the songs I used to love and grieve my life.
I see all the titles of all the movies I used to love and its torture.
At Least When You Die, You Die. you don't have to constantly see yourself dying. 

It'd be like if you died but got to see your life from afar and the past and realise how much you miss it and wish you could go back because you didn't get to live enough.


Everyone's hoping I'm going to get better.

i am not going to get better

the timing and method of covid hitting me is what is the problem.

even if everything got better symptom wise

I still have had covid that has permanently effected my body 

i still lost my loved ones i didnt see for the past 3 years

I still have spent 3 years crying in the dark in immense pain

i still lost 3 years of my life traumatised

i still have become traumatised beyond recovery

i still have had my teeth and jaw bones completely destroyed because of the timing of me getting covid

My body is still irreparably destroyed. 

this has still traumatised me



im never going to get

the time back

with my mom and my cat

its not

ever

coming

back

i'm not going to get better

im letting go of all my dreams as much as I can, it just fucking hurts. all the dreams ive had since i was 4 years old and learned my first words.


As far as I'm concerned, I died 2 weeks after my 27th birthday.

i ignored my intuition as anxiety. 



i told myself i was just anxious and not trusting enough



Was it really my fate to just get cov1d , then get disfigured because of that, then watch my life crumble and confined to a chair to watch my body collapse and die like this.


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