i can't

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 Right now I should only be processing the trauma of not being able to eat for 3 years except liquids.

Right now I should be processing the fact I couldn't speak for months and had to write on pieces of paper

Right now I should be processing the trauma of not being able to sleep and only being able to sleep sitting upright for 4 years and only getting 2- 3 hours of sleep at a time and having to spend 10 hours trying to get into a position to sleep each night.

I should be recovering from the memories of all the painful test at the hospital.

Instead I'm missing it all because it was heaven compared to getting covid.

I should be grieving that my smile is gone and mourning that I can't lie down or lie on my side anymore (because my mouth doesn't close all the way and saliva just falls out if I try lie on my side) 

I should be grieving that the doctors said its progressed so much its inoperable and I should be processing the medical trauma.

I should have been going through a court case but instead I missed the deadline because covid got me so badly. 


I should be healing from all the waiting and appointments led nowhere except to be told "yeah you were treatable but it's too late now" after I was waiting on their delays and mistakes.



That's all I should be healing from. 


Not losing everything to the point my mouth trauma even register as a trauma for me anymore.
I actually miss it, I miss the 24/7 pain, I miss not being able to sleep or talk or eat, I miss the scary hospital appointments, I miss all of it.

Because at least I could still sing and go for walks and watch movies and my soul and my heart was still intact and being held together by those things.

I was still me.

My body was suffering but only injuries. Not on a cellular level. Not brain damage that hurts me every day since it happened.


Not getting covid at my most  weakest time, where I needed to feel safe, in my room and losing my ability to play my piano, to ride my bike, to jog, to read, to watch my favourite tv shows, to listen to music, to work, to do absolutely everything that held my soul together. 


This is beyond explanation for how much it is hurting me every day. 

Why did you.


I am in therapy and I am still panicking 24/7 because this reality has been too scary for me since June 2022 since I saw the positive COVID test.

I don't even think therapy is going to help me. I don't think time is going to help me. 
I think this is it. 

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