idk man it just hurts

my head is filled with things i used to do before the infection and before the brain changes and trauma. and oh how much i miss everything with my whole heart, it hurts so much. every time I'm reminded of something i used to do before this, i miss it so much it makes me feel like the world is dropping away from underneath me. i write it down every time i miss something. unfortunately there's 26 years of my life worth of things to miss before i got sick, so there's a lot.  every time i miss being able to do something or miss being okay and it makes me cry hard, i write it  down. here is a small fraction of that list. a list of everything that's made me cry very hard when i've thought about it or seen it, a list of things i haven't been able to do since, a list of things i miss that i used to do before getting covid.  things that i now can't do, thing that make me cry or hurt too much if i try do them. im sure others can relate to this feeling of missing every...

last christmas i remember. 2021. on christmas eve i tracked santas path online, i made sure to go to bed before he was supposed to fly over. i wore my red christmas pjyamas, i lit my advent candle. i watched home alone & miracle on 24th street. i hung up beautiful tinsel. i made a whole christmas dinner for me and my mama. i sung christmas carols and i went for wintery walks.  the last christmas i remember. somehow, now it's 2024. i can't watch home alone or miracle on 34th street. it hurts too much to track santa, and there's no longer anything i wish for except to undo this. i can't wear my red christmas pyjamas. i'm crying too much to hang the beautiful tinsel. i can't sing christmas carols anymore. and i will miss the wintery walks.

Why do I have to get destroyed as a person and then have to try to survive and fix it. I can't fix it.  I've healed from some shocking things in my life (with immense help)  But this was too much for me, Me, as a person, is over. My life depended on not getting cov1d in that 6 months while I was going through a different mildly traumatising medical emergency Because I knew this, I turned down 100% of invites to unmasked indoor hangouts for so long unless friends tested. but I was blind to the risk in my room. If I caught it normally, it'd be more understandable.  less traumatising, more healable If I even caught it through airborne transmission from my family or a randomer, or in the hospital, I'd at least understand it. I'd understand it.  I can't understand this. Because me as a person, If I felt even slightly warm I'd take my fever, and if either my fever was above 37 or I had a headache or I had a sniffle I'd just take a COVID test. Alone.  If I had ...

 Right now I should only be processing the trauma of not being able to eat for 3 years except liquids. Right now I should be processing the fact I couldn't speak for months and had to write on pieces of paper Right now I should be processing the trauma of not being able to sleep and only being able to sleep sitting upright for 4 years and only getting 2- 3 hours of sleep at a time and having to spend 10 hours trying to get into a position to sleep each night. I should be recovering from the memories of all the painful test at the hospital. Instead I'm missing it all because it was heaven compared to getting covid. I should be grieving that my smile is gone and mourning that I can't lie down or lie on my side anymore (because my mouth doesn't close all the way and saliva just falls out if I try lie on my side)  I should be grieving that the doctors said its progressed so much its inoperable and I should be processing the medical trauma. I should have been going through a...