post 1st session of therapy thoughts:

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 post therapy thoughts:


this has just made me realise how severely this has traumatised me.


It's not fair.
that I am going to have to pay so much.
and go through so much work just to get back 20% of who i was before, and still have all the permanent physical consequences of that infection.

I'm very grateful and immensely privileged that I had help in funding these 5 sessions, I'm immensely privileged to be able to try something probably 90% of neurodivergent and traumatised people need, I'm very grateful the cptsd therapist lowered her rate for me.

But this is still unfair. I never should've had to go through this. I never should've caught covid in a safe contained place. arguably should've been the safest place for me in the whole world.
in my room with someone that cared about me.
that should've been the safest place in the world for me.
and i did put all my trust in my heart in that being safe.

I never should have had to have my mouth issue progress so much and deal with all this very real very permeant mental and physical damage from sars-cov-2.

I say permeant damage because it is. I may heal and get over it, but it is still permeant damage to my life, to my future, to everything.




my post therapy feeling is just realising how severely this has traumatised me.

what do you mean I haven't worn clothes for 2.5 years because of the impact of this.

what do you mean i haven't washed my clothes in 2.5 years because of the impact of this.


I can't put into words what getting covid that day in my room has done to me


and the impact it has on every waking second without relief in my day and night.


I never will be able to word this. and I don't think most people could ever understand this pain in me right now beyond seeing it as dramatics or ramblings or a bananas crazy person.


I am just so sorry mama. I'm so sorry me. I'm so sorry everyone this has had a knockoff effect on.

I'm even sorry to the person that took the risks with me that got me sick, weather if they feel any guilt or just think im annoying and dramatic,
but if they feel any guilt then i'm even sorry they have to go through anything negative either. 


I am so sorry mama. I am so sorry past me. 

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