i still have pebbles in my trainers from the last time i wore them 3 years ago and walked on the beach

my head is filled with things i used to do before the infection and before the brain changes and trauma.

and oh how much i miss everything with my whole heart, it hurts so much.

every time I'm reminded of something i used to do before this, i miss it so much it makes me feel like the world is dropping away from underneath me.

i write it down every time i miss something.

unfortunately there's 26 years of my life worth of things to miss before i got sick, so there's a lot. 


every time i miss being able to do something or miss being okay and it makes me cry hard, i write it
 down.

here is a small fraction of that list. a list of everything that's made me cry very hard when i've thought about it or seen it, a list of things i haven't been able to do since, a list of things i miss that i used to do before getting covid. 

things that i now can't do, thing that make me cry or hurt too much if i try do them.

im sure others can relate to this feeling of missing everything after having covid.

before all this hurt me i was a person and i loved many things. i wanted to remember all the things that i can't do or love anymore because this destroyed me too badly.

before i got covid and got long term symptoms and cptsd from getting it in my room where i was trying to be safe, before that i used to:

everything on this list i can no longer enjoy and miss and used to love so much. and everything the infection has taken from my life. 

i used to watch winnie the pooh
i used to watch walk around the park
i used to go to ikea
i used to love christmas
i made a recipe blog and wrote down recipes to help people who couldn't chew

i used to walk under my grandmas apartment in serbia

i used to play in the snow and make snowcats

i used to make curry, i loved it so much

i used to play piano
i used to love alpro chocolate warmed up with cinnamon and mashmallows and cream

i used to have a bus pass

i used to make pie at home

i used to play sea of thieves 

i used to hear robins sing

i used to edit selfies on meitu

i used to drink camomile tea

i used to watch the rain from my window

i used to listen to music from FlyFF
i made spinach and chickpea curry

i used to wake up in a chilly cold room and snuggle under the blankets

i used to love 80s movies and music

i used to send gifts in pokemon go

i used to watch aincent aliens

i used to cycle on the same roads i cycled on as a child

i used to read books

i used to make milkshakes

i used to have memories that brought me joy

i used to loved on disney movies    

i used to smell when the heating would come on. 

i used to not have a brain that burned.

i used to lie in bed in November and listen to Christmas music

i used to i used to make green smoothies

i used to play valheim

i used to love disney rapunzel

i used to do skincare and care about things like that

i used to play under the christmas tree 

i used to love a certain brand of cocoa powder

i used to watch tiktoks

i used to watch the way the light sparkles on the water

i used to walk

i used to love spaghetti and meatballs

i used to drink my favourite hot chocolate

i used to sit in the sun

i used to watch psych

i used to dream of so many things

i used to watch hocus pocus 

i used to ride my bike across the park

i used to like potatos

i used to hear seagulls and the rumbling of waves in the sea

i used to play wolfquest

i used to get pimples and care

i used to smell the air 

i used to manage my pmdd

i used to to smell the air.

i used to want a garden

i used to watch Friends

i used to watch mine exploration videos

i used to walk around Lidl

i used to pronounce Epitome wrong

i used to look at the sky and try spot Venus

i used to watch so many movies

i used to dress up on Halloween

i used to learn Serbian

i used to sit by a pond

i used to eat halloumi sticks

i used to buy ribena   

i used to eat spring onoins

i used to eat tofu

i used to make rice
i used to pick rapsberries

i used to check inside raspberries for bugs

i used to eat pancakes

i used to eat sweet waffles

i used to eat potato waffles and baked beans

i used to eat necatriens with honey

i used to enjoy playing video games

i used to not be triggered 24/7

i used to be happy

i used to like fruit salad

i used to play flyff

i used to be happy

i used to play minecraft

i used to be ok

i used to be safe

i used to be healthy

i used to have game of thrones book

i used to go to the newsagents

i used to walk down the road

i used to love always sunny in philadelphia

i used to love a lot of different songs

i used to catch the bus

i used to do yoga in my room

i used to do workouts 

i used to jog
i used to love so many different songs
i used to want to write music
i used to write lyrics
i used to get knee pads so i could rollerskate
i used to love sparkly things
i used to love the smell of pine scented things
i used to love halloween
i used to love the song 'last christmas' i never minded getting whammed
i used to love the movie 'elf'
i used to love the song 'baby its cold outside' and just tried to ignored the undertones
i used to love the movie jingle all the way
i used to love the movie miracle on 34th street
i used to love playing on my bs
i used to love lego racers 2
i used to love sonic all stars racing transformed
i used to love the cherry blossom flowers my grandma gave me before she died
i used to climb trees
i used to admire mushrooms
i used to make daisy chains(but rarely, i felt too guilty to pick them)
i used to feed pidgeons and squirrels
i used to let the pigeons land on me, i loved them

i used to go to the farm

i used to sing the lion sleeps tonight song

i used to manage my tinnitus

i used to be sentimental about the dates

i used to watch star wars

i used to watch corpse bride

i used to watch youtubers

i used to make breakfast muffins

i used to watch catfish. oh it hurts so much.

i used to watch music videos

i used to eat pasta

i used to go to lush and smell the bath bombs

i used to listen to grimes 

i used to watch sleeping beauty

i used to play tabletop simulator

i used to get the train

i used to drink tea

i used to see fog and rain on autumn days

i used to wear pyjama shorts

i used to play nintendo ds games

i used to watch makeup videos

i used to play piano
i used to wear sparkly dresses
i used to wear trainers
i used to wear black jeans
i used to wash my windows
i used to sit in my bed
i used to see fireworks
i used to admire birch trees
i used to pick flowers (only if there were lots)
i used to smell roses
i used to play red dead redemption 2 just to ride the horse and look at the flowers
i used to walk on the field 
i used to walk and have thoughts
i used to love February
i used to watch anime
i used to wear a straw hat in summer
i used to smell the air
i used to get pins and needles and laugh about it
i used to make omelettes 
i used to use the star maps app to look at the stars
i used to listen to abba
i used to like perfume
i used to listen to tears for fears
i used to have hands that felt ok
i used to wear my clothes
i used to pluck my eyebrows
i used to edit my photography
i used to add noise to my pictures
i used to look up flights on google flights and dream about visiting my family
i used to dream of taking my mum on holiday and swimming in the sea
i used to dream of having a garden
i used to sing hallelujah and play it on the piano
i used to play so many different songs on the piano
i used to love christmas decorating
i used to love playing with my dolls
i used to pick apricots from my grandmas tree
i used to love stranger things
i used to walk on crunchy grass after summer
i used to have normal lymph nodes
i used to look through netflix wondering what to watch
i used to have a body that felt like mine
i used to walk in shoes or in boots
i used to drink blueberry juice
i used to take videos and pictures of the moon
i used to wear tights
i used to eat brown rice
i used to watch my hero academia
i used to recognize my road and my home
i used to leave milk and cookies out for santa
i used to love game of thrones
i used to play genshin impact
i used to listen to christmas music
i used to have scented oil that i liked
i used to go to b&q
i used to sit under trees
i used to smell the rain on my coat
i used to use chop sticks
i used to like sparkly things
i used to sketch pictures
i used to lie in bed with my cat matsan
i used to watch lucifer
i used to be able to exercise
i used to go to the plant nusery
i used to want and be able to ice skate
i used to listen to trains going past
i used to hear crows
i used to wear a jacket in the autumn
i used to watch come dine with me
i used to dress up as a cat on halloween
i used to pick up leaves in autumn
i used to sit under trees
i used to go to the park
i used to watch barbie swan lake
i used to watch barbie rapunzel
i used to want to learn to ice skate
i used to wear nice clothes
i used to love baths
i used to love bath bombs
i used to have a salt lamp
i used to love umbrella academy and stranger things, they were my favourite
i used to listen to music
i used to have beanie baby cats
i used to love laputa castle in the sky
i used to buy yogurts
i used have a good spine

i used to cycle to my best friends house

i used to walk in london

i used to go to temples

i used to watch the fugitive

i used to listen to dido

i used to eat kikiri serbian snacks

i used to climb over pig stys 

i used to sing nusery rhymes

i used to sing a lot

i used to use so much butter

i used to type out my address and not cry

i used to do an american accent

i used to have a wearable blanket

i used to watch veritasium 

i used to love and watch the secret garden, littlest princess and a troll in central park

i used to eat marshmallows

i used to roast marshmallows

i used to have hot chocolate with marshmallows and cinnamon and cream

i used to feel okay

i used to have a barbie bed cover

i used to eat lemon flavoured stuff

i used to do whamageddon and fail on purpose because i used to love wham

i used to play zoo tycoon 2

i used to love mulan 2

i used to sing and play piano at the same time

i used to sleep in my bed in my bedroom

i used to wear nice clothes

i used to play ty the tasmanian tiger

i used to sing christmas carols

i used to watch christmas movies, i loved elf so much and miracle on 34th street

i used to get stuffed naan

i used to watch babe pig in the city

i used to go on swings

i used to watch that youtube channel of guys dropping things from high places

i used to catch dandelion fluffs and make wishes

i used to walk under trees in the rain

i used to touch moss

i used to wear a pink narwahl hoodie

i used have a torch
i used to feel the warm concrete when i went on a walk

i used to skateboard

i can't express how much i miss riding my bike. and hearing the birds. and feeling the air.

i used to run

i used to care about bad luck

i used to see rocks

i used to skip stones

i used to wear jumpers

i used to wear leggins

i used to watch jumanji

i used to love winter

i used to love kylo ren

i used to wear swimming costumes and swim

i used to watch rocky horror picture show

i used to be ticklish

i used to have a nice home

i used to lie on the grass

i used to watch buzzfeed unsolved

i used to love the smell of the air

i used to see grey skies

i used to feel cool air

i used to think without pain

i used to see far

i used to listen to minecraft parodies

i used to celebrate and love my birthday

i used to love freaks & geeks the tv show

i used to listen to meditiations

i used to be al ittle girl

i used to love the girl from goblin slayer

i used to wear pyjamas

i used to be warm

i used to hear birds

i used to like lookign at old pictures

i used to love thumbelina

i used to go on night walks

i used to like mayonaise

i used to like the dutch language

i used to go to the library 

i used to read books

i used to love gametee candles 

i used to go see the parakeets

i used to love sweeping leaves

i used to love making fries

i used to love riding my bike

i used to eat marmalade (but i didnt really like it)#
i used to smell winter air

I used to walk in the snow
i used to have pink snow boots
i used to go to the woods
i used to get on busses
i used to watch x-men

i used to love the game 'the forest'

i used to loved the movie enchanted, i loved the song 'how do you know'

i used to love the movie 'the muppets', i loved the song 'am i a man or a muppet'

i used to watch queens gambit

i used to wear a kigurumi (animal onsie) 

i used to love studio ghibli movies

i used to listen to music on my phone

i used to put face cream on

i used to paint my nails

i used to go to carboot sales

i used to be cozy

i used to play pubg

i used to miss trick or treating

i used to watch liar liar

i used to collect leaves and look at mushrooms and collect flowers

i used to love the land before time and sing the song 'friends for dinner' all the time

i used to have normal, non painful thoughts

i used to have break in my suffering

i used to love the rain

i used to watch grease

i used to pray

i used to ride in cars

i used to carve pumpkins

i used to use bath bombs

i used to love the song 'how bad can i be' from the lorax

i used to love my barbie dolls

i used to watch superhero tv shows

i used to love camellia flowers

i used to paint fairy wings with glitter

i used to sunbathe

i used to walk to the charity shop

i used to watch the witcher

i used to play assassins creed

i used to be read to

i used to go to the secret garden

i used to put my face under the water in the bath

i used to climb trees 

i used to collect fridge magnets

i used to eat sweet poatos

i used to lean out the window

i used to draw

i used to smell summer

i used to be happy and free

i used to be well

i used to eat

i used to not carry this pain

i used to love everything

i used to play spyfall

i used to watch little mermaid 2

i used to go to the costume store

i used to play pinball

i used to like chocolate apples

i used to love the sun

i used to love august

i used to love crunchy leaves

i used to watch cerro gordo

i used to sit at my desk

i used to have e45 cream

i used to sit outside

i used to watch atomic shrimp

i used to make french toast

i used to play in the august sun

i used to sharpen pencils

i used to smell the trees

i used to dance in the rain

i used to deep clean my home

i used to paint on recolor

i used to live

i used to wear different shoes

i used go outside and watch the stars

i used to eat jelly

i used to paint with pastels

i used to play harmonica

i used to look foreword to the years and seasons

i used to play card games

i used to have days

i used to play with bugs

i used to watch nilesy play papers please

i used to watch twitch on the tv

i used to play harry potter on the ps2

i used to play wattson in Apex

i use to run so fast 

i used to breathe

i used to sing back to the birds

i used to wear leopard print pjyama pants

i used to listen to caramell dansen

i used to make playlists

i used to fix my neck

i used to watch star wars

i used to clean the kitchen

i used to have a volt car in gtav

i used to wear makeup

i used to watch vampire diaries

i wused to like soft clothes

i used to eat hot cross buns

i used to believe in fairies

i used to love ladybugs

i used to sit on the bench

i used to watch white collar

i used to love

i used to used to love games

i used to rent books

i used to watch the always sunny podcast

i used to listen to podcasts

i used to have a dragon necklace

i used to go to serbia

i used to listen to deadmau5

i used to watch things in bed before i slept

i used to sleep in my room

i used to love the lion king so much

i used to go to iceland(the supermarket)

i used to giggle at my dreams because they used to be silly

i used to have a little guitar

i used to watch the weather forecast

i used to have bookmarks

i used to listen to toto africa and i used to sing it

i used to have a big straw that i drank my smoothies with

i used to have a big smoothie cup

i used to like the song 'just the two of us'

i used to hear seagulls

i used to watch the flower fairies

i used to  have a little tv

i used to have tomatos

i used to play snowboarding games

i used to put vaseline on my lips

i used to sing 'when the moon hits your eye, that's a-moreeee'
i used to have a lot of things about me and not just pain

i used to walk past my childhood playground and remember it fondly

i used to love the movie 'Anastasia' 
i used to play games on my phone

i used to watch ice skating on the olympics

i used to playing transformice

i used to have a body

i used to watch gordon ramsay kitchen nightmares

i used to watch attack on titan

i used to love derren brown

i used to eat leek and potato soup

i used to function

i used to not be in pain
i used to make amvs
i used to make scrambled eggs
i used to cycle to see my dad
i used to play card games
i used to eat scramled eggs
i used to watch riverdale even though it was so bad
i used to change my profile picture and name to something christmassy
i used to laugh till my tummy hurt
i used to love the saying 'risk it for a biscuit'
i used to love helping snails
i used to love playing portal 2
i used to love looking out my window at night
i used to love mine exploration videos on youtube
i used to do skincare
i used to have baths
i used to have nice pyjamas
i used to have nice dreams
i used to have a lot of trust in my heart

i used to have good health

i used to watch 'the hangover'

i used to drink vanilla, cinnamon and apple tea.
i used to have a little method that i remembered the scales on the piano
i used to worry about pains in my body but now i am used to them
i used to love the tots tv
i used to talk to my worry dolls about my worries
i used to not have a neck that hurt so much
i used to be able to see better
i used to be safe in my room
i used to be safe from danger
i used to make carrot cake
i used to go on the tram. i miss looking out the window so much.

i used to listen to savage garden.

i used to watch scream queens
i used to listen to doja cat

i used to go clarie's and look at their halloween stuff

i used to watch air bud and crave the yogurts that he left out for the dog

i used to smell orange blossoms

i used to take pictures of the sunset

i used to hear crows cawing

i used to play pokemon go

i used to watch flipper

i used to listen to the sound of the rain

i used to go for walks in the rain and get my socks wet, i used to dry them on the radiator

i used to look for frogs and newts in ponds

i used to play under falling cherry blossom leaves

i used to love putting the christmas tree up

i used to walk on pebbly beaches

i used to play payday2

i used to love the song 'walking on sunshine'

i used to  walk around london

i used to climb trees

i used to have thoughts that were not always painful

i used to watch stuart little 

i used to watch snowflakes fall and admire each one

i used to want to try kbbq for the first time

i used to go to the plant nusery

i used to eat malteasers 

i used to drink ovaltine

i used to listen to yung gravy

i used to eat spinach at my grandmas house

i used to make home exercise playlists on youtube

i used to have a jewlerry box in the shape of a heart, it played music and i kept some rings in it

i used to have pusheen socks that i loved

i used to collect pebbles

i used to eat mushrooms

i used to paint

i used to love the video of casey frey dancing

i used to eat scrambled eggs and chilli oil

i used to qoute vines

i used to play chess

i used to hug my childhood toys

i used to have a favourite sun dress

i used to love playing games

i used to hear birds singing

i used to sit on warm grass
i used to look in rock pools

i used to feel sand on my feet

i used to feel the feeling of putting socks on sandy feet

i used to smell pine trees

i used to watch fern gully

i used to sit in my white gaming chair

i used to  dribble sometimes if i was laughing

i used to watch star wars

i used to worry if i started to get tinnitus 

i used to love the telly tubbies

i used to love making salads

i used to read sophies choice

i used to play card games

i used to i used to have a nice sofa

i used to have a halloween blanket

i used to listen to music

i used to cycle while listening to music in warm weather

i used to go to the supermarket

i used to play monsters inc bowling game

i used to love words and language and definitions of words

i used to love looking at mushrooms and tree roots and leaves

i used to sit on the bench and breathe

i used to love learning etymology

i used to i used to walk by the empty dam

i used to want to complete the daft punk level of ddr

i used to  do yoga

i used to i used to cycle down that one nice road in summer

i used to i used to watch fireworks

i used to i used to make ganache

i used to i used to play the flower waltz record on nintendogs and loved when the dogs jumped

i used to  watch movies at christmas time

i used to i used to sing carols

i used to watch lupin III

i used to sketch trees

i loved drawing tree branches

i used to love drawing palm trees, cats, fish, grass, sun.

i used to play pokemon go

i used to see sea urchins

i used to want to set up a projector

i used to play house flipper

i used to watch dennis the mennace 

i used to  play l4d2

i used to have a folder of teen titans fan art

i used to eat 'christmas porridge' in my bed

i used to play cooking maddness

i used to walk in the herb garden

i used to cycle my bike in teh cold and have gloves on to stay warm

i used to wear a little coat and collect acorns

i used to collect chestnuts

i used to make popcorn

i used to walk by the river in serbia and smell the street food

i used to  know so many cats

i used to have a blueberry muffin recipe

i used to make cupcakes

i used to i used to be a healthy girl physically. it made up for the mental pain.

i used to drink tea
i used to sing songs from mary poppins
i used to sing while i made smoothies
i used to sing and record my songs
i used to play piano and sing
i used to clean the kitchen
i used to clean my room
i used to listen to podcasts
i used to make oreo milkshakes
i used to feed carp in the pond
i used to love eating oranges
i used to love playing the isle
i used to see fish at the pet shop
i used to feel safe
i used to love pancakes
i used to make white chocolate orange ganache to have with my blueberry muffins
i used to take selfies and edit them with cute sparkles
i used to paddle in streams and the sea
i used to love the movie 'when harry met sally'
i used to play pippa funnel horse game
i used to play guitar hero 3
i used to watch attack on titan
i used to watch anime
i used to love so many different animes and there were so many more i wanted to watch
i used to wear makeup
i used to wash my hair with ease
i used to play sea of thieves
i used to watch ice skating performances
i used to paint
i used to be happy and dance around my room and sing
i used to save snails
i used to save worms
i used to smell plants in the rain
i used to have less bad tinnitus
i used to listen to music and clean my room
i used to have lots of books i loved from when i was a child that i wanted to re-read
i used to have a bed frame I was going to set up
i used to have littlest pet shop toys
i used to play nintendogs b4 i caught covid when i could play on the ds
i used to love lilo and stitch.
i used to quote vines
i used to quote lilo and stitch
i used to have cat ears
i used to love autumn  and winter
i used to wish for snow
i used to play in the snow

i used to make cats out of snow

i used to make plant holders out of twine

i used to love the sunshine

i used to want to visit my family in serbia

i used to have a steam link i wanted to play on

i used to make dens out of pillows and blankets

i used to have a friendly spider in my room

i used to play bloons td4

i used to walk outside under the trees and smell the air

i used to visit my god father and i was so happy

i used to visit my dad

i used to love shrek 2

i used to love shrek 1

i used to know all the monsters in flyff

i used to stay with my sister

i used to eat cottage cheese and qoute charlie from always sunny

i used to listen to the yogpod and other podcasts

i used to love bratz dolls

i used to re-watch lucifer

i used to love trains

i used to be safe at home

i used to be safe in my room

i used to be safe

i used to make star wars memes

i used to love anakin skywalker

i used to eat crossaints

i used to watch the river in the sunshine

i used to listen to all kinds of music

i used to go for walks a lot multiple times a day

i used to have a pink rain jacket

i used to have an umbrella with a pink cat on it

i used to have a pink hat

i used to have pusheen pj pants i loved to wear
i used to walk on wet leaves in the autumn time

i used to watch the clouds and look for shapes

i used to lie on the grass

i used to watch slow mo guys

i used to watch timone and pumba tv show

i used to write down my dreams because they weren't all covid nightmares

i used to learn about chess

i used to go to the garden center for a walk and it was an easy walk

i miss walking

i used to cycle through the park

i used to play instruments

i used to sell my old clothes online

i used to be me

i used to listen to meditations

i used to love bubble baths

i used to love loads of bubbles, way too many.

i used to blow really big bubbles

i used to love the movie rudolph from the 90s

i used to love the tv show the little prince from the 90s

i used to have my bed and it was safe

i used to do diy

i used to play card games

i used to want to be a hairdresser 

i used to learn piano, i stopped playing the week i got infected

i used to learn gardening

i used to love homeward bound 1 & 2

i used to draw roses

i used to love colouring in

i used to have really lucky and good health i was very lucky

i used to watch movies every night

i used to wear jewelerry

i used to feel okay

i used to keep my toys in a little toy hamock and hug them regularly

i used to love the barbie movies

i used to love pita bread

i used to love my plants

i used to cuddle with matsan

i used to love playing zoo tycoon 2
i used to have a little cauldron candle and decorate for halloween

i used to decorate for christmas

i used to have hope

i used to not be in so much pain

i used to be safe

i used to feel safe

i used to be okay

i used to feel okay

i used to be me 

i used to feel like me

i used to be hopeful

i used to have hope.

i used to play heroes of the storm

i used to love Disney music

i used to watch the ducks swim

i used to love spelling

i used to love the movie 'labyrinth' and 'legend' and 'the witches'
i used to love hocus pocus

i used to love love eating potatos with butter

i used to love hundreds of songs and i made so many playlists of songs i loved
i have not listened to music comfortably since june 2022.
i used to have cotton wool with me all the time

i used to go to charity/thrift shops.
i used to love the movie 13 going on 30. i don't remember anything after 26, because i got covid 2 weeks after my birthday. im now 29. 
i used to have a disposable camera
i used to collect pine cones
i use to collect nice rocks
i used to recognize my home
i used to recognize my room
i used to love my room
i used to watch lifehack videos
i used to edit videos on snow
i used to love chocolate
i used to have better eyesight
i used to make cinnamon rolls with my mama
i used to go for long walks
i used to love jogging
i used to be excited for flyff to re-release
i used to buy bonne maman rhubarb strawberry jam
i used to have a toy horse called tornado
i used to drink electrolyte tablets
i used to laugh till my tummy hurt
i used to run in my trainers
i used to love feeding the pigeons
i can't stop crying.
i only just started to live.
i only started to live in 2019 and i only got 2 short years.
my life ended in 2022.
it hasn't been the same.
everything hurts.
everything. hurts.
i used to wake up and not panic and cry
i used to have so many memories
i used to watch riverdale
i used to have favourite youtube funny videos
i used to a humdifier
i used to open my curtains in the morning and see the sunshine
i used to have a nice room
i used to have plants that i loved
i used to love 80s movies
i used to love 80s music
i used to listen to podcasts before bed
i used to love using bathbombs
i used to love disney channel
i used to love disney movies
i used to love the lion king
i used to love anastasia
i used to love breaking bad
i used to love so many tv shows and i loved finding new ones
i had so many books i wanted to read
i used to listen to 2000s music
i used to love 'hotel room service Rasputin mashup' 
i used to watch geowizard
i used to love geoguesser
i used to be so happy
i used to be so comfortable in my body
i used to feel okay in my brain
i used to not have all this constant discomfort and cptsd
i used to have the money and hope to pay off my moms debt
i used to be able to afford cat food
i used to make green smoothies
i used to have a birthday that i celebrated
I used to listen to aqua
i used to play tennis
i used to play hots
i used to watch jack frost
i used to have a favourite keyboard
i used to watch lucifer
i used to watch rhett and link
i used to love insence
i used to have a jumper dress I loved to wear
i used to have little mittens i wore in the snow
i used to have a snowsledge
i used to wear pink boots in the snow
i used to watch vampire diaries, i love it so much
i used to play pokemon emerald
i used to smell woodsmoke outside when i went for a walk
i used to love mary poppins
i used to watch tom and jerry
i used to clean the kitchen
i used to clean my room
i used to enter giveaways
i used to sing 'dayman, fighter of the nightman' it was my favourite.
i used to be present in body
i used to not have 18 benign lumps under my chin ever since my infection, that i need to go get tested for cancer
i used to not have to go to the hospital for invasive cancer tests regularly
i used to dream of going horse riding
i used to dream of going to the seaside
i used to dream of walking in a forest
i used to dream of having a house
i used to play brother bear
i used to play nintendogs
i used to play pokemon go in the summer and I walked around
i used to feel safe and feel ok.
i used to have hope things would be ok before i got covid.
i used to be able to manage my tinnitus before covid
i used to want a warm pair of thermals
i used to be able to wear clothes
i used to love christmas
i used to love making christmas dinner
i used to love wrapping presents
i used to love christmas movies
i used to love singing carols
i used to love watch tv shows before bed
i used to dream of swimming in the sea
i used to write my own recipes
i used to trim my split enends
i used to watch don bluth movies
i used to cut my own hair
i used to walk on the beach
i used to make playlists of music i loved
i used to watch the movie 'spirit' it was one of my favourites
i used to smile
i used to stretch
i used to use a calculator
i used to play cooking mama on the ds
i used look into the pond for newts
i used to look into the pond in the secret garden
i used to dream about how i'd decorate my home
i used to go to different towns
i used to hear robins sing
i used to have beans on toast
i used to look out the window in winter
i used to play typing games and be good at typing
i used to watch fireworks
i used to eat lemon cookies
i used to think about fairy cottages
i used to care about my stretch marks
i used to curl the ribbon when i wrapped presents
i used to turn the heating on
i used to stream on twitch when i felt safe and ok before getting covid
i used to read books in bed and my favourite books from my childhood
i used to think thing would be okay
i used to swim
i used to eat sweet potato's
i used to quote memes and movies and vine

I used to dream and

I used to love dreaming

I used to write down my dreams

I used to not wake up crying
I used to look in houseing agents windows, pretend I could get a house and pretend which one id' get

I used to feel the cold in November and it was nostalgic
I used to walk in crispy autumn leaves like I'd done since I was 4 and I loved them. I loved being alive and I loved the pain of each passing year as it was bearable and tolerable and part of this life that I loved, but that stopped when my brain changed from the infection and nothing felt the same.
I used to listen to robins sing.
I used to  love being alive.
I used to watch ducks fly south for the winter 

I used to go to outdoor christmas markets

I used to hear leaf blowers outside
I used to love having nice smelling christmas candles
I used to go to the cafe in my childhood favourite park

I used to go see the parakeets
my head hurts so much i feel like im going to die
I used to buy wigs for dressing up
I used to be grateful i survived my near death experience in 2018
I used to love the movie 'aquamarine'
I used to love bridge to terabithia
I used to walk to the bathroom at night and run back to my room bc i was scared of the dark
I used to have showers and get clean clothes clothes and be warm in my bed.
I used to listen to podcasts and sleep
I used to make dumplings
I used to watch anime
I used to grow tiny trees in minecraft
I used to love winnie the pooh
I used to play good pizza great pizza on my phone
I used to play love the movie 'fairytale: a true story' I wanted to re-watch it one day.
I used to have grinch slippers that i loved to wear
I used to make smoothies every day
I used to wear my favourite clothes
I used to eat leek and potato soup
I used to eat scrambled eggs every morning
I used to hoover my room and make it nice and clean, what a luxury to have a room you love.
I used to love smelling pine trees
I used to sit on my pink stool and play piano
I used to love to draw
I used to love dippy egg and soldiers
I used to see the sun after the rain
I used to run to the window to see the rainbow if it started raining while sunny
I used to feel the warmth of the pavement
I used to wear a little bike helmet and ride my bike
I used to watch takeshis castle
I used to love my barbies so much, i had a barbie swan lake barbie that i loved so much
I used to walk to the river and the park.
I used to go to the market and look at what they had.
I used to re-watch my favourite childhood shows and re-read my favourite childhood books.
My legs used to be strong
I used to run so fast I thought I could fly
I used to love swings
I used to love milk and honey
I used to love honey and butter toast 
I used to love the movie 'Rudolph' and all the songs
I used to play Genshin Impact
I used to love the photo mode and taking photos in game in Assassins creed odessy and GTAV.
I used to love monsters inc
I used to be happy I survived my first abusive relationship
I used to dye my hair pink
I used to like milk loaf 
I used to like welsh cakes
I used to like qourn picnic eggs
I used to love Spyro the dragon
I used to do skincare and makeup
I used to love making snowmen
I loved the song 'the snowman' from my childhood
I loved the movie 'planes trains and automobiles'
I loved steve martin movies
I loved will smith's movies
I loved jim carey
I loved collecting pinecones
I loved pine trees
I loved elderflowers
I loved bugs
I loved the muppets movies
I used to take magnesium and manage my pmdd. Now every day is like the worst ever day of my pmdd. trauma also makes pmdd worse, so getting covid ended me.
I had a bycicle and I fixed the tyre and I loved to my bycicle, before i caught covid.
I used to have enough money to feed me and my mom
I used to think we could get out of poverty.
We used to have a chance.
I used to think my life would be okay.
I used to have hope for the future.

I used to dream i'd take my mom on holiday one day.
I used to dream about visitng my family in serbia

I used to learn serbian
I used to be okay.
I used to be able to clean my home
I used to go to the park and I was okay.

before i got covid almost 3 years ago.

I was 26. I still feel 26. I got covid 2 weeks after my 27th birthday. I didn't get to experience being 27. Or 28. Or 29.
Somehow I am 29 but to me I feel like I was 24 just two years ago.
Lying in the dark silence, in pain not experience the world for 3 years does that to you. 
I have been all but killed.
I used to not have bright spots nd dark spots in my vision.
I used to be able to see clearly.

I used to love rats
I used to love studio ghibli movies
I used to have bed
I used to lie down in my bed
I was so safe. I felt so safe.
I hadn't had covid yet, before someone came to my room and took every action to give me no chance to avoid it
I used to watch attack on titan
I used to love free! swimming anime
I used to be excited for my childhood game FlyFF to re-release. I was going to stream it.
I used to love the Thornton's mini brownies.
I used to love oreos.
I used to love playing piano and learning piano I was so excited to learn more
I haven't played piano since I got covid.
I used to love spring.
I used to be hopeful about medical treamtnet.
I used to be a person.
I used to be happy.
I used to watch xmen movie
I used to watch squid game. It feels like it just came out 3 months ago.
I used to play mario party.
I used to love vegetarian sausages.
I used to love the song 'Everybody wants to rule the world' it was one of my 5 favourites
I don't recognize my home anymore I'm scared. I didn't survive this past brief relationship.
I am so scared. I keep seeing things in my vision. My brain hurts. I'm so scared. My legs cramp when I walk. My body isn't functioning anymore. I'm so scared.
I'm so scared. I've been hurt beyond words. Iv'e been harmed.
I didn't need this.
I can't survive this.
I used to have a drsesing gown
I used to love baths
I used to have a towel for my feet
I used to love the game 'mouse trap'
I used to love barbie games and barbie movies
I used to love 'Anastasia'
I used to have a brain that didn't hurt this much
I used to be prepared for my 30th birthday. now i'm about to turn 30 and i have lived in severe concussion, brain fog, or in the dark alone silence since i just turned 27.
I used to love Avatar the last airbender TV series.
I used to be me.
I used to walk the doctors for blood tests.
I used to eat pastries
I used to feel different emotions
I used to wear makeup.

I used to write in my diary.
I used to hear the cars outside.
I used to hear birds.

I used to like gin
I used to not be able to think about my 2018 near death experience because it was the most traumatising thing i had been through, but now i miss it like it was the best thing in the world compared to this. this is so bad this is infinently time worse. infinetly. i miss the previous most traumatising experience of my life because it was heaven compared to this.
i used to love the smell of tinsel and hanging up christmas decorations
I used to have a henry hoover i'd found outside
I used to have a dream journal.
I used to drink tea.
I used to see lilypad flowers
I used to feel like I could heal.

I used to love the movie dumbo original
I used to love the pokemon gameboy and DS games and cards.
I used to love painting and drawing
I used to love making milkhakes
I used to love yellow street lights
I used to love chronicles of Narnia. I used to wish I could step into the wardrobe.
I used to love the song from neon gensis evangellion.
I used to love the sea.
I used to love ponds and lakes
I used to love horses.
I used to dream i could ride a horse one day.
I used to love the snow
I used to love the rivers in Serbia.
I used to be able to read books and i loved them. I MISS THIS SO MUCH.
I used to be able to watch tv and movies. I MISS THIS SO MUCH.
I used to care about my hair 
I used to know my body, now it is full of lumps cysts and abcesses, since covid 5 cysts appeared on my neck and i keep having to have cancer tests.
I was fully healthy before I had covid.
I wish I died instead of had to experience this. This was worse than dying b. I'm sorry. it was. 

i used to hear seagulls

i used to wear hoodies

i used to wear jumpies

i used to not have these awful feeling in body that makes me cry

i use to not have this weird feeling in my brain that is so weird and bad that it makes me cry

i used to smile

i used to be okay

i used to be okay

i used to be okay

 

i used to have so much love and joy of life in my heart and i was never truly scared as i am now.

i used to re-watch my old favourite youtube videos like how to write an alt-j song. im crying so much.