i can't sleep anymore

-

 i wake up in panicked fevers crying. i'm so terrified. why am i a vessel for so much heartache and pain.

 i am so traumatised now its indescribable.  i am so sorry mama. i did this. i accepted this. this happened because of me.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

todays feelings

-
  i wake up, the pain sets in and realisation of that i’m in this reality, i panic and cry for majority of the day, then i pass out and it repeats, no matter what i try do. repeat for 2.5 years i haven’t been a human being since april 2022 i’m just in shock. i’m in shock and have been in shock since my symptoms came on and i have been in shock since i’m in shock. i caught it where i should’ve been safest in the world, in my room where only people i briefed on how covid would kill me were allowed to enter, i can't process this And that was the last week i ever played my piano, ever rode my bike and ever watched a movie and tv show pain free. i have lost 96% of everything i love and everything in my life because of getting covid how and when i did i should’ve only had to deal with the trauma of the jaw and mouth and scary teeth stuff. i shouldn’t have got infected mid all of that. every day i miss how traumatic the jaw stuff was and all the hospital trips, because it was heaven compa...
Read more

todays feelings pt. 2

-
                                                                          Today at 18:20 therapy will only help so much because my symptoms are physical.  it’s because of how my brain feels that i almost puke every morning, it’s because of how my brain and body feels post covid that is re-traumatising me every second. therapy is not going to undo these symptoms, because they are from a viral infection. my only hope is therapy might help me accept that my life is over now and make the transition less difficult. but i am in shock and i would just give anything to have how my body and brain felt in april/may 2022 back.  — Today at 18:22 i knew covid would effect me this way because i know how autistic and sensitive i am. i was vocal and loud to communicate this to anyone who was going to be around ...
Read more

i still have pebbles in my trainers from the last time i wore them 3 years ago and walked on the beach

-
my head is filled with things i used to do before the infection and before the brain changes and trauma. and oh how much i miss everything with my whole heart, it hurts so much. every time I'm reminded of something i used to do before this, i miss it so much it makes me feel like the world is dropping away from underneath me. i write it down every time i miss something. unfortunately there's 26 years of my life worth of things to miss before i got sick, so there's a lot.  every time i miss being able to do something or miss being okay and it makes me cry hard, i write it  down. here is a small fraction of that list. a list of everything that's made me cry very hard when i've thought about it or seen it, a list of things i haven't been able to do since, a list of things i miss that i used to do before getting covid.  things that i now can't do, thing that make me cry or hurt too much if i try do them. im sure others can relate to this feeling of missing every...
Read more