freaking november again

freaking november.

the last november i remember is 2021.

the only time i can experience an ounce of living or feeling alright is when i sometimes dream.

when i’m actually able to sleep which is pretty rare and even rarer if I can remember my dreams, i used to remember them really well before this.

when i wake up i am back in the sensory nightmare of my body. 

my body used to be my solace and my comfort, i used to be completely comfortable in my body

and i thanked whatever gods above every day for that luxury ever since i was young, because i never took it for granted to feel physically comfortable in your body enough to exist 

and now my bones feel not connected to my skin and muscles

my feet don’t feel real they feel like they're inhabited by another creature and not attached to my body at the same time

it feels like my body is not an entity i can co-exist with anymore

ever since week 2 of covid infection I have not felt comfortable in my body and it has been sensory hell for me

i don’t know how i’m going to live for the average life span with this Horrific feeling That i had avoided thanks for my efforts of giving up everything and always wearing a mask.

and i would’ve still been avoiding it still, I would've got 3 extra years of peace to this point, which I wouldn't have taken for granted. 

i was very serious when i said i wouldn’t handle covid and everyone said oh it’s fine, you're young, people rarely get badly effected, you'll recover, i've had covid x many times, i'm fine,

 IT IS NOT FINE FOR ME

I Can only survive being in this now body if i disassociate it is Sensory Hell for me. and don’t get me started on my brain. NOTHING can fix this except not being conscious and I've tried everything I can.

which breaks my heart and my inner child’s heart because there was so much i wanted to experience in this world the simplest of walks in the rain, everything i loved, there was so much that i never got the chance to do and can't do again
 
i was still waiting for the chance to be free from poverty and abuse to be able to live my life. 2019 and 2020 i actually got to experience pure joy for the first time since being a child.

and if i only got 2 out of 70 years, hey it’s better than nothing and i’ll take those memories with me when i die from this, which truth be told will hopefully be sooner rather than later. 

If I don't get better, I don't want to live. even if i do get better, the loss from these past 3 years is indescribable. i don't know how to tell you i haven't left my home and i haven't remember a single thing. its literally losing and grieving a portion of my life and the whole rest of my future.
(i think i did leave the house a few times in late 2022, maybe in 2023 i left the house a few times, i truly dont' remember, i don't remember anything after week 2 of my covid symptoms in june 2022)

but other than that i have been at home in a chair unable to watch anything or do anything.


I honestly truly right now can't live with a post-covid-infection body, and what happened in 2022.
and the fact im still living means every waking second is re-traumatising me. 
I've survived multiple SA, R word SA, childhood SA, homelessness, domestic abuse, near death experiences that left me too traumatised to leave the house, and being unable to afford food levels of poverty for 90% of my life,

if I say I can't live with what's happened, I know really well what I am capable of living with.

I was prepared to handle the mouth hospital trauma and the starvation and lack of sleep, I was prepared to heal from that, get therapy, do a negligence case.

That's all completely off my radar now compared to this. the negligence deadlines passed, all the money in the world wouldn't mean anything to me now anyway.

there's nothing that can fix this except it never happening in the first place, so now all i have is mourning my life and saying how i feel about that. and how i feel about all of this pain and grief happening over something that would've been minimal effort to not do.