idk man it just hurts

I miss how life used to feel, how walking down a regular old road used to feel. I miss everything about my little life. I my old self. I miss how existing in my body used to feel. I miss how my brain felt before this. I miss everything. I miss so much. I miss getting to stand in the rain. I miss before the pain and trauma of getting covid. nothing's changed my life the way this has. I'm trying to accept my life as I knew it being over and my hopes being over, but I still wake up screaming and crying in panic.

do you know that covid keeps me up crying 4ish hours a night no matter how tired i am, probably not its easier not to think about. from the moment your test was positive the same night you kissed me i knew this was going to replace any future i had. just a waterfall of tears every night, tears of pure fear. i am so scared.  https://x.com/bubblekittea/status/1861964214086107613/video/1  https://x.com/bubblekittea/status/1861964214086107613/video/1  

i miss the sun -  i miss how it felt on my skin i miss being able to make little drawings -  i miss how paper felt in my hands. i miss sitting on grass -  i miss the coolness and  feeling the blades of grass i miss doing exercise  - i miss stretching and getting to see the world i miss not feeling fear 24/7 - i  miss feeling safe. i miss my untraumatized brain -  i miss having hope and feeling ok. i miss my un-covided body -  i miss my body feeling like my body. i miss everything i've ever held, seen and touched.

finally getting me and my mum out of immediate poverty in april 2022 and then immediately giving all my money away in a panic of trying to get better and get help and then being too trusting and taking my mask off around someone for the first time in a year and immediately getting disabled and then getting disfigured because i couldn't stay on top of treatment because of the severe brain fog, then having to pay for complex trauma therapy, missing the negligence deadline to sue for any damages to my face/life and being left with no quality of life and no money and no motivation to push through the pain and make money beacuse i can't do anything or use it anymore was really not my best move at all. i could've just not answered my dms. im sorry mom.

 that's it, that's all really. I miss it so much. I miss it every second of every day. I would give anything for just a mundane day before I had covid.

i feel like a ghost in what’s left of my home surrounded by all the things i once loved that i can no longer interact with  no matter what traumas or injuries i had in the past i was always me throughout it. no matter the traumatic life incident, i could always watch something or take my mind off it with a walk and listen to the birds, or do something i loved. nothing in life could’ve prepared me for experiencing losing what you know your brain, body and personality to be like through a viral infection. Even still my mom only speaks nothing but good and with kindness of the person that brought covid into our home and by proxy got her daughter disabled and left both of our lives shattered, I don't speak of them negatively at all or think of them negatively, but I can't bring myself to speak of them with the amount of love she does. She still talks kindly of them. She has more kindness in her than I'll ever know and she didn't deserve her life going this way. Unrelated: I...

 post therapy thoughts: this has just made me realise how severely this has traumatised me. It's not fair. that I am going to have to pay so much. and go through so much work just to get back 20% of who i was before, and still have all the permanent physical consequences of that infection. I'm very grateful and immensely privileged that I had help in funding these 5 sessions, I'm immensely privileged to be able to try something probably 90% of neurodivergent and traumatised people need, I'm very grateful the cptsd therapist lowered her rate for me. But this is still unfair. I never should've had to go through this. I never should've caught covid in a safe contained place. arguably should've been the safest place for me in the whole world. in my room with someone that cared about me. that should've been the safest place in the world for me. and i did put all my trust in my heart in that being safe. I never should have had to have my mouth issue progress s...

 i wake up in panicked fevers crying. i'm so terrified. why am i a vessel for so much heartache and pain.  i am so traumatised now its indescribable.  i am so sorry mama. i did this. i accepted this. this happened because of me.

me getting covid when i did and how i did destroyed everything i knew about my life and everything about me as a person and hurt my mama and matsan and everyone in my life. and that's all there is to it. it's over. it can't be undone. and it just really. really. hurts. the kind of pain that makes your stomach drop out from beneath you and makes you cry so hard no noise comes out, in the way that hurts your chest so bad. im not trying to whine or complain or be dramatic. i am just hurting so unbelievably bad. my heart hurts so unbelievably hard. 

i wish i wasn't in the small percentage of people that caught it at home during a personal medical crisis that needed urgent intervention and action. i never took risks without my mask on except having one visitor and i'm so sad and scared that it ended this way i just wanted the pain i was in to lessen and instead i got pain a million times worse i am so scared. i am so sad.  in the past 2.5 yrs i would’ve watched so many movies and so many tv shows i would’ve played so much piano i would’ve helped my mom so much and spent so much time with her and matsan I wish i never got sick how i did i wish i didn’t have to lose almost everything this way I used to have lots of wishes growing up but i don’t anymore. i'm so broken and hurt i didn't think it was possible to be this broken and hurt in my lifetime.  all i have left is wishing this wasn't real wasn't happening and wishing i could go back and watch another episode of always sunny, or play another of my favourite...

freaking november. the last november i remember is 2021. the only time i can experience an ounce of living or feeling alright is when i sometimes dream. when i’m actually able to sleep which is pretty rare and even rarer if I can remember my dreams, i used to remember them really well before this. when i wake up i am back in the sensory nightmare of my body.  my body used to be my solace and my comfort, i used to be completely comfortable in my body and i thanked whatever gods above every day for that luxury ever since i was young, because i never took it for granted to feel physically comfortable in your body enough to exist  and now my bones feel not connected to my skin and muscles my feet don’t feel real they feel like they're inhabited by another creature and not attached to my body at the same time it feels like my body is not an entity i can co-exist with anymore ever since week 2 of covid infection I have not felt comfortable in my body and it has been sensory hel...

                                                                          Today at 18:20 therapy will only help so much because my symptoms are physical.  it’s because of how my brain feels that i almost puke every morning, it’s because of how my brain and body feels post covid that is re-traumatising me every second. therapy is not going to undo these symptoms, because they are from a viral infection. my only hope is therapy might help me accept that my life is over now and make the transition less difficult. but i am in shock and i would just give anything to have how my body and brain felt in april/may 2022 back.  — Today at 18:22 i knew covid would effect me this way because i know how autistic and sensitive i am. i was vocal and loud to communicate this to anyone who was going to be around ...

  i wake up, the pain sets in and realisation of that i’m in this reality, i panic and cry for majority of the day, then i pass out and it repeats, no matter what i try do. repeat for 2.5 years i haven’t been a human being since april 2022 i’m just in shock. i’m in shock and have been in shock since my symptoms came on and i have been in shock since i’m in shock. i caught it where i should’ve been safest in the world, in my room where only people i briefed on how covid would kill me were allowed to enter, i can't process this And that was the last week i ever played my piano, ever rode my bike and ever watched a movie and tv show pain free. i have lost 96% of everything i love and everything in my life because of getting covid how and when i did i should’ve only had to deal with the trauma of the jaw and mouth and scary teeth stuff. i shouldn’t have got infected mid all of that. every day i miss how traumatic the jaw stuff was and all the hospital trips, because it was heaven compa...